Mold

This morning I decided I would make some eggs. I proceeded into the kitchen where my beloved had set a reusable shopping bag that he had thrown all the stuff that was in his car into, and placed it on the counter.

I started going through the bag. It was a random mix of junk mail, bills, empty water bottles, empty food wrappers, empty ziploc bags, random papers, a flip flop, umbrella, etc. I started becoming suspicious as I slowly discarded the items while also noticing a strange green substance covering every inch of the bag's contents. Everything had mold on it. Before I ask the obvious:

NOW WHY WOULD YOU PUT SUCH NASTINESS ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER?!?!?!?!?!!?!?

I should state that at this point I inquired to my husband (actually let me insert here that upon removing the bag from the kitchen counter, I politely asked him if he could refrain from putting such nastiness on our counter in the future, to which he politely (and ever so sweetly) replied "Yes, Maam".

At this point I state, "Honey, your car has mold in it". He says, "yeah, I know."

I am curious to wonder what a normal person would do in such a circumstance, as this was no news revelation to him. In fact, the most I could muster from him was a basic, "Oh".

Your car is an infestation of mold spores...and you are just sitting there!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!! is all I can help but think to myself.

I politely asked if we could go inspect the damage, but he reminded me that he had already seen the mold. I tried with all my strength to just go on about the day and forget his car has mold.. BUT HIS CAR HAS MOLD GROWING. .

I could not ignore it. We surveyed the damage together, and his entire trunk is green. I insist we must clean it immediately, but he does not have the time. "I'll just drive your car," I hear.

AND, goes on to convince me that EVERY home has mold in it. Seriously, it's in the walls apparently.

Cooking Pizza

Today my husband decided to cook a pizza.

Are you aware of the metal cooling racks you normally use to place cookies on when they come out of the oven?

Well, he decided to use it to put the pizza on as he took it out of the oven. As I saw it happen, I thought I better remind him to move it on to a different surface before he began to cut it.

But, I should have realized that though the box suggests letting the pizza sit for a few minutes, he would cut into it immediately, and on top of the metal rack. It was a difficult fete for him to accomplish (have you ever tried to cut something on a surface filled with holes?)

So now we have pizza crumbs on top of the gas burners, inside the gas burner, and all underneath the insides of the stove. Lovely.

The List

Things I did not realize..before I got married:

1. I would not have lids to any prescription bottles, medicines, vitamins, soap lids, shampoo lids because husband would use them to put his contacts in over night.

2. No more use of good towels, or good oven mitts. Husband would stain them with spaghetti sauce almost instantaneously.

3. Dirty dishes belong scattered across the counter, not in the sink. As long as the sink is empty, the world is good.

4. Dishwasher is literally out of sight, out of mind.

5. Its okay if you are the mad one for them to walk out of the room and exit the conversation and ignore you for hours. NOT okay. BIG NOT okay, for you to leave the room or avoid conversation if they are upset with you. . trust me, somehow, it's not a double standard.

6. I would actually have a disagreement on the importance of changing underwear daily.

7. Even though people give the husband advice that says, "if the wife ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." It's pretty much guaranteed they will think the person got it backwards.

8. The low fuel indicator is only visible if the female is driving

9. The heat in the apartment only needs to be on if HE is the cold one - - otherwise it is a waste of money

10. If HE does not like it, it cannot be purchased from the grocery store

11. If its NOT healthy, it cannot be purchased. Unless it is deemed healthy by my ridiculous standards of.."Well, if I like it, then it must be healthy".